Original in the style of 72/73.
We left at set break mostly due to anger caused by some fellow heads on the dance floor and a strong desire to smoke. It hurts to have felt and now I was giving up the weather report but I didn’t want to get into heated confrontation with some of the Colorado hardcore fans and dancers and I had clearly been told I wasn’t welcome. I wasn’t wanted in their “friend” zone.
We get to the show and it’s ass to nuts. I get pretty uncomfortable when touched by other people other than my kids or Whitney. But I know I’m gonna have to work to carve out dance space but I want to dance. I need to connect. Feel the music transform me and flow through me. I see a decent little dance zone going and some familiar faces in it. A few I know by name (including a couple people I consider dear friends that have been important to my psychedelic journey - inspiration move me brightly. I generally would prefer to find a spot with more space so Whitney and I can take in tonight’s journey more so in communion and by ourselves. But in a venue this crowded if you want to groove you only have a few avenues with different pros and cons and no real guarantee of success.
The rail. This option in my opinion has the least opportunity for full lift off but using the rail as a barrier and taking what’s their you can usually at least spin and boogie and have some foreplay like touches with your lover. We got in the venue and the band was already playing. There’s no way I was gonna push to the front.
The lobby. Here the sound sucks but in years past you might find a shirt soaked Chuck Vegas. This is where you can trade the sound for the space and you can most likely blissfully move freely and flow. The dance here can be great. I do struggle for full lift off with such crap sound and the lights being on but this is the safest bet to boogie on down. In hindsight maybe this was the best option for Whitney and I.
The hard score dance pit. The whirlwind of movement and spinners. This has the highest level of stress for me and requires the most patience and commitment to getting to that special special place that people like me (like many of you) and Whitney needs. Full lift off. The cup runneth over. You must come in respecting those who are already there while pushing the standers and talkers and passerby’s out of the vortex. I due feel like you have to push yourself and the other dancers to ripple away from the epicenter clutching onto any new space that becomes available. There will be bumps and people using your shoulders to passby. Maybe even some spilled drinks and true collisions. We must become a harmonious wave of movement of joy of expression. There will become a point where the diameter and area of this wave of dance will get so great that you can get truly dance and blast off into space the world of egoless expression. You can become characters in the songs maybe even the expression of sound and vibration itself.
I didn’t want to spill my beer so I left it on a table in the lobby. Whitney left there’s too. Some really solid people including a Colorado drumming extraordinaire ended up sitting at the table we left our drinks at. They chose not to be in the can of sardines. Whitney get circling back to her drink. I wouldn’t. The space was expanding. I was finding groove and so were some of the other dancers. Even when the music was continuous and there was stoppage time. I paced through the space to maintain it to let it grow. Every inch was precious. We were slowly headed towards what I thought was our goal the dancers paradise. Whitney left to go have a sip of her drink. We had created enough space I no longer feared spilling my drink and asked her to bring it to me. I kept moving. I must apologize for what I don’t know but any belief in a mutual goal of respect for dancers and other people seeking that special connection to this music through movement was shattered. It did make me angry it also hurt. It was made clear that I wasn’t welcome here. I was not one of the cool kids or the accepted tribesman. I was not a “friend.” In fact I feel like some viewed me as enemy and treated me as such. There was a time when the fact that Dark Star provided and insecure shy nerdy young man a place he felt tolerated accepted well enough to be left alone to find myself, to searching for the sound. If I was one of the lucky, I might find the very nectar of life itself love, love of thyself, romantic love and love for my fellow man. A community. A tribe.
As dark star begins the next song. Someone I recognize as a well known members of the Colorado hardcore Dead scene. A dancer who helps keep space for her “friends” and the tribesman and helps expel the dangerous outsiders. In accordance with another dancer someone I must admit I’ve never seen but someone who moves to the music aggressively collapse on me. The well respected and recognized dancer that I assure you we’ve attended at least 40 of the same Dark Star shows and in at least 15 at least managed to civilly share the limited space. I did believe there was a recognition and shared respect that were on that same journey maybe night together but seeking the same place. She stops even spinning and just keeps sliding her foot hair and into my space making harsh contact with my person. Clearly, she has intentionally chosen not to respect my right to personal space you know like the lesson your try to teach your elementary school child but also have to deal with the big bully takes longer to learn this lesson through the learning of curve of life. The other unknown mover basically just provides a wall so I have no where to go. I hug myself and freeze. I stand still hoping that I can at least have a space of no movement to collect myself. Like I said, this type of contact makes me very uncomfortable.
I do want you to know that I can stand my ground on the dance floor. I can fight through my uncomfortably. I can use my hips and elbows to carefully assert that I know I am here to stay. I must be very careful in the moment to only let my elbows or hips strikes other if their looking for it, stepping into. I want you to know before I found all that matters in the his struggle called human existence I would almost always fight. I was an angry young man. Never content and full off that never back down spirit finding myself night fighting for what I felt I deserved. I needed to prove I belonged. However, after what Whitney and the kids have shown me given me blessed with me. I much rather look for a peace resolution and find somewhere else to be. At the end of it all, I am going home with the most stunning woman of all. The very essence and expression of sensuality passion love and all the sweetness but also the carnality of what makes the human race continue. I’m not gonna tell you but I might tell you a little bit. Whitney excites and turns me on in a way I never realized was possible. Sometimes she does transform me into the Lion, the master of the pride and she is just a lonely infant gazelle that has wondered for far from its herd. In all honesty, it was valentines and leaving on the energy of good loving was perfect for us.
The Colorado OG. Respected tour gal seeing she has me very uncomfortable and shuttering comes in with her next blow. This one is verbal and she says to me something to the tune of everyone in her corner knows each other and our friends can you leave. I immediately give up my space and step into a smaller space closer to the lobby but also closer to comforting faces of Mickey and Marisa (I’ve probably spelled that one wrong). People who I know share the same connection to this music. People i know I can not sure have a shared destination but journey there together with respect for one another this music and this community. I mean some of the best fucking people I know. I’m also moving much better tonight. I’m just gonna go back to square one and carve the space again. I don’t like how this woman has chosen to treat me but in the long run may have forced me to increase the synchronous flow of positive energy as the wave of dancers continues to pulsate harder always expanding. I look I’ve got some confidence that can definitely boarder on cocky. She will eventually see that I can feel and move to this music in a very special way. In a way that few others. In a way that I am sorry to say and I’m not trying to be mean she can not at the time but with the right respect for this music and its dancers she very well might. She will realize her mistake learn some Earth vibrations and allow me to be accepted as a member of the same tribe.
It did not take long to realize that would not occur tonight and to be honest after the flash of anger she shot into my assistance she never would. I wouldn’t ever let her sue me move. Whitney move. Whitney and I move together into the sacreds of place. Love. Forgiveness. This place allows one to want to everyone to thrive in their own beautiful way.
She delivers her final blow. It’s another verbal strike but it’s something like no I meant like can you go away way over there. I have been excommunicated. I was told I can not prove I am one of the faithful. I can not prove I help keep and deeply respect those that keep the community spirit and music of the Grateful Dead alive. I am not worthy of mourning the death of one the true prophets and pillars of this movement with fellow parishioners. I am not worthy of today’s blessing that DSO is providing us.
I want you to know that this woman does not and should not have the power in anyway to make me feel this way. I was worthy of the original space I was in. I was worthy mourn with my tribe. I need this music and the dance to fill my cup. I did choose to leave. I probably should have just danced in the lobby with the duo of inspiration. I mean at the very least for that WRS that I knew in my heart and soul was coming. I jokingly told Whitney last night that I would bet the house on it. She claims to have taken that bet by the way so I get house. There is a loophole of course Whitney believes and i don’t disagree all that is mine is hers as well.
I just move and laugh my excommunication off. I want peace. As I walk away, Whitney returns with my beer but clearly see a shift in my spirit and location if you will. Whitney then stands up for her man and takes back my space and refuses to give it up as the chick belts her with her hair and hips. This is followed by another male in the “friends club” not so accidentally taking a good firm hand print to my ladies ass.
Unfortunately, this happens way than I’d like to admit at shows. I’ve learned to just let it go unless she’s signals that she wants me to go into protection mode. She never really does that. She doesn’t want me to get in trouble and she knows if really reacted I would break the dudes jaw. So Whitney stands her ground to the point that my expeller. My bully lets her know I guess you can stay.
I am aware that I can be fairly standoffish myself. I don’t really look to my friends at shows. I will often share the dance floor with people that most likely will never become more than a familiar face. I will be expressive with my energy to people that talk over the music even if they at times dance with no care for how long they’ve been around, who they know or how family and more entitled to this scene they are in their view in comparison to me.
I need to admit for various reasons some positive and some negative my commitment persistence to see the journey through and get every last drop of that liquid that fills the love cup that I can get from Dark Star hasn’t been the same for a while. I want you to know that I view this diminished desire to get anything and everything from this music is bull shit. I’m don’t like this version of myself as much as I liked that one that needed to get every last drop. I am making a pledge to be more patient to find my spot no matter how hard it is to get what Whitney and I come for and maybe possibly just give a little of it back to the faithful. Mason is back
It was great to see Mickey Marissa Dave. Thanks for showing for me tonight Jake. And welcome to party Dino we look forward to what you bring to it.
I want to apologize for my angry outburst. I was hurt. I fell into the trap of allowing my pain and rejection to express as anger. I should have allowed the emotion to fully flow. I do plan to say something to this woman next time I see her. But not with anger or aggression but with the hopes she will see will see me as human and give me another chance to be in the tribe. I will get her and tell her mind. Maybe we can be friends.
This is what I meant to say
